with your own penis?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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