Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
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