Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
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