Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
