I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
