My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I have aggressive nipples.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
