Hey man sorry I got all grabby
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Randomize
