I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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