I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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