sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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