In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
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My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
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When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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