Jerry, you need to find god
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
