my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
