Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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