I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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