And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
