Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
