If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
