tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
ttyl tear gas
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
