he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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