Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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