You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
