I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
