I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
