So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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