My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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