were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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