If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
