Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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