You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
