I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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