Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
We need a shit load of segways right now
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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