remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
