i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
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he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
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