the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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