remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
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Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
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So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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