Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
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This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
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it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
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