You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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