I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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