OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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