At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
