A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Houston, we have a squirter
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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