I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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