I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
