The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
