I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
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Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
This is the high leading the old right now
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
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The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
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