It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
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