I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
