A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
