TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
