Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
