I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
