Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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