remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
