my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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