I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
