I feel like abortions should bother me more
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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