don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
